I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
