I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
