You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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