handjob tips. give me some.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
