you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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