I have demons in me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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