if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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