I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish i was in the wii world.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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