i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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