he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
