Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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