why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my liver is dry heaving
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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