Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
