the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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