so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
