Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
