just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
