That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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