I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
