When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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