If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
