I faked an abortion last night.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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