oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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