It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
