You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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