If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
