She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The feeling are messing with the penis
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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