I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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