My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
