She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
