Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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