there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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