i would punch a child for taco bell
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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