despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
