I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
