Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
