when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
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Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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