My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i think i just lost a toe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
