Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
