My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
