No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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