just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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