Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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