I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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