I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
