Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
