you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
