u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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