I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
