Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
