I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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