Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
