Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
